


Take Two

by thegreatandpowerfultoaster



Series: Normandy Groupchats [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Texting, haha - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-21 03:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16568672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatandpowerfultoaster/pseuds/thegreatandpowerfultoaster
Summary: In which Shepard makes another groupchat. And things get worse than they did last time.





	1. Chapter 1

**JShepard has added 12 people to the groupchat**

**JShepard has renamed the chat to 'guess who lived, bitches'**

 

 **JVega:** Things that happened today that I still cannot belive:

Shepard noping the fuck out of dodge with the illusive man and Anderson and they're all fine more or less

The reapers are dead and Shepard won't tell us what happened

my otp is Canon now

 

 **Tali:** please stop referring to Kal'Reegar and I as your otp 

 

 **JShepard:** Well you know that old human saying, if you can't beat them join them.

Which i first heard in a game about pinatas, go figure

 

 **Tali:** You joined the Reapers?

 

 **JShepard:**  i was talking about our current Illusive resident actually, but whatever floats your boat im still not telling what happened out there with the reapers

So uhhh since im not really feeling like going back to the citadel, anyone got any places they've always wanted to go see???

 

 **LT'soni:**  Earth was on my list but you know...I think I'll pass on that one.

 

 **JShepard:**  wise decision. probably have to go back to omega, i told aria id get it back for her uhh no offense mr illusive sir but uhh

actually u know what? im clearing the air right now. Anyone who has a problem with the illusive man being on our ship can come throw hands with me because rn im not having it

you didn't go through that indoctrination shit, and whether he had a problem before that or not is the last thing on my mind right now because humanity is sort of down some good people and I need to get things done

Got it? Im incredibly incapacitated but still in charge.

 

 **JVega:** yas maam

but also how many pain meds are you on??

out of pure curiosity

 

 **JShepard:**  exactly 1/3rd.

And while that sounds like a very drugged out reapone, I gave a lot of medical supplies to the citadel and I have to share with Anderson and Mr. His Lordship Illusive Man. So not enough.

Im actually gonna try to sleep this off

 

 **GVakarian:** And that's my cue to leave and go up there, isn't it?

 

 **JShepard:** yup get up here and lay on top of me in a non-sexual way honey 

But not on my leg because that thing fucking hurts 

But more like a weighted turian blanket

 

 **Tali:** What am I witnessing right now? 

I don't like it.

I don't like this, it's making me very uncomfortable.

 

 **LT'soni:**  I don't know, I think it's sort of cute. Besides, you can't tell me that you don't want to start living it up now that the Reapers are gone.

 

 **Tali:** depends what you mean by living it up. Do I want to follow shepards example? Not really. I would like to go home and build a house in my land though.

 

 **JVega:** and when its done throw a housewarming party! 

and I can bring you a potted plant or smth 

 

 **Tali:** why would a party make my house warm?

Is that a human thing or a Vega thing?

 

 **L'Tsoni:**  I believe that's actually a human thing, with the less than literal naming conventions. Perhaps you should try it.

 

 **Tali:**  I think I'll sit this one out. But you sure can try it, if you ever decide to settle down

 

 **LT'Soni:** Right now it's more of a problem of where. Although the Reapers miraculously dissapeared, most planets are still burning, both literally and figuratively

Maybe I'll go back home to Thessia and help rebuild there.

 

 **JVega:** man, I bet that place was NICE before the reapers 

 

 **LT'soni:**  It was lovely. One of the most beautiful planets that I've ever seen.

Uh, Joker? What was that?

 

 **JMoreau:** no need for alarm, but I think we might be crashing into a planet. 

I literally cannot see though through the amount of error screens she's giving me so uhh

I'm gonna stop texting and flying now

and hope we don't crash.

 

 **LT'soni:** Oh goddess, haven't we been through enough today?

 

 **JVega:** the answer is always no, in case you havent noticed.


	2. Chapter 2

**MLawson:** Did we just violently crash land, or is someone staging an Elcor wrestling ring on the bridge again?

 

 **JMoreau:**  uhh option one

although I'm kind of wishing it was option 2 right now 

on the bright side this place looks exactly like where I want to spend my long overdue vacation days. 

 

 **MLawson:** I thought you were a competent pilot.

Is Shepard up?

 

 **JMoreau:** Hey, I'm plenty competent but even I can't do anything when our engine blows out.

 

 **LT'soni:** No, she's still out like a light. Maybe we can keep it that way.

 

 **JMoreau:**  and what, get the ship up and running before she even knows we crashed???

Actually, yes. We're doing that. 

 

 **Tali:**  I'll go get a wrench and hit the drive core a few times.

 

 **MLawson:** Absolutely not! Do you know how much that thing costs to replace? And that's if we can get the ship to take off after you hit it.

 

 **Tali:** We've hit it with a wrench to get it working before and you haven't complained, but if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.

 

 **MLawson:** That's because I didn't KNOW about the other times, and you and Mr. Moreau and Mr. Donnelly are going to hear about it the second we take off again.

But not a second before then, because I don't want Shepard waking up.

 

 **GVakarian:** uhhh what's happening and how do you expect Shepard not to know about it?

 

 **MLawson:**  Drive Core blew out, or something and we're stranded until someone fixes it.

And as I recall you recommended turning your chat history off, Mr. Vakarian.

 

 **GVakarian:**  oh good idea actually.

Well, I get the feeling she's going to be out for a while

But you better get to fixing it.

 

 **Tali:** Look, it I didn't have to take this slow elevator to engineering it would be fixed already. 

 

 **MLawson:** Great, but we have the elevator and not stairs, so we're still stuck. In the meantime we need to talk about a plan of action as far as what happens now.

 

 **LT'soni:** Well, while plenty of planets aren't viable for easy reconstruction at the moment, things could be much, much worse.

 

 **JMoreau:** Yeah, like everything including EDI and every Mass Relay couldve exploded, killing thousands and our ships could be stuck floating above earth and just waiting out eventual starvation 

 

 **GVakarian:** well that was out of left field. 

 

 **JMoreau:** or maybe there's like...some way to not destroy all synthetic life and Shepard turns into a ghost and controls the Reapers or something

 

 **Tali:** Why would she ever agree to that? We've fought against them all along.

 

 **JMoreau:** or MAYBE somehow we've got all organic life working together, like the Reapers too. Maybe with freewill like the Geth have. And everyone's eyes start glowing green.

 

 **GVakarian:**  But none of that happened. And it's so strange and unnecessary why would we let that happen??

 

 **MLawson:** This conversation is making me feel weird, let's stop.

Why isn't the ship in the air, yet?

 

 **Tali:**  I don't know! This usually works!

Let me quickly have a conversations with our engineers

 

 **GVakarian:** you'd better hurry, though. I'll distract her if is she is but she might be waking up.


End file.
